Are you being ‘gaslighted’?
Being manipulated is always detrimental to you, but it isn’t always easily detectable
INTERVIEW. Ever seen the 1944 classic film “Gaslight,” where Charles Boyer does his utmost to make Ingrid Bergman think she’s going crazy?
Delicious fun to watch, not so fun if you’re Ingrid. Psychotherapist Dr. Robin Stern has authored “The Gaslight Effect” to turn a contemporary spotlight on some all-too-common behavior. She identifies gaslighting as an insidiously subtle form of mental and emotional manipulation — so subtle, in fact, that to the untrained eye, you don’t even know it’s happening until your self-esteem has been whittled down to a nub. Stern sheds some light on how to spot it and what to do about it.
If you’re totally new to the concept of gaslighting, how can you begin to recognize it?
By listening to yourself and understanding the keys — finding you second-guess yourself, trouble making decisions, feeling like you can’t do anything right, always apologizing, a hesitancy to bring up seemingly innocent topics.
What are some of the effects of long-term gaslighting?
Over time, you lose a sense of your own boundaries. Feeling that someone has a bad opinion of you is intolerable, and you have a need to convince them you’re OK. You lose your voice. Ultimately, with someone always intimating you’re wrong, you begin to believe it — joylessness, depression.
When you think you’re being gaslighted and the response is, “Oh you just don’t have a sense of humor,” how do you know whether you’re being gaslighted or you’re really just being overly sensitive?
This is where people really get stuck. Because even if you are overly sensitive, that’s a separate matter. Gaslighters have an uncanny way of making it your problem.
It sounds like passive-aggressive behavior. Is it the same thing?
Not really, although there could be overlap in that it’s an indirect form of communication. But the former tends to be more about unexpressed anger, whereas gaslighting is more about always being in control and keeping the other person off balance.
If you’re in a gaslighting relationship, can you change the dynamic or do you have to just walk away?
You can empower yourself to change the dynamic. But you have to make the mental shift and be willing to walk away. Then you can start putting strategies into play to stop the dynamic. Write down conversations so you can see them from a distance. Imagine advice you’d give a friend if she/he related an incident. Don’t fall into the explanation trap. You can opt out of the power struggle.
What if it’s a parent or sibling?
In families, it can be deeply ingrained behavior, which can result in gravitating toward the dynamic as an adult. Realizing that Mom is wonderful in many ways but also a gaslighter can be painful for people. Stopping a painful dynamic is not without cost.
What’s the good news?
The reason this is profound is because it compromises your sense of
reality. It stems from a need to be loved, and that’s no small matter. When you can identify it, you’ve already begun to stop the crazy-making dynamic. And you can begin to put things in your life that make you feel good.