Alpert: Caught up in an affair
Q: I met a man about a half year ago, and we fell in love with each other. We both are married for around 10 years and have kids. Our old marriages are dead, and we just stayed for the kids. Now we want to divorce and start dating each other. Eventually, we want to get married. I know this will hurt our spouses and kids, but our love and passion are so strong now. Do you believe we should go with our hearts? Do you think it is too quick to come to the point to get a divorce? It is too hard to live a life of lies, and I am totally confused. Anonymous
Whoa, slow down. Right now, you and your boyfriend are missing something at home and think you’ve found it in each other. That along with the rush of being caught up in the throes of an affair leads to thinking about as clear as Britney on a party night. For starters, focus on your marriage exhausting all options, including counseling, before a divorce is considered. A good therapist will help you save the marriage or separate peacefully. For the sake of the kids, it’s your responsibility to do what’s in their best interest, not yours, and to make a 100 percent effort.
Has your spouse acknowledged that your marriage is “dead,” or is that just how you view it in light of your strong love and passion for the other person? Leave your lover out of the equation, and think about what would need to change in order for your husband to fulfill your needs that are now being met elsewhere. If these changes were made, would you feel so strongly about running off with this new man?
Regarding your affair, keep in mind that the interactions don’t truly represent the conditions of a real relationship. Should circumstances change and you’re both legally single, do you think the attraction would be as strong? The newness and excitement of the affair may very well be a driving force behind the passion.
Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. Have a question for Jonathan? Send an e-mail to 
