Tax rebates: A placebo that works
If it wasn’t for the way money works, our economy would be doing great. But unfortunately, gas prices are at an all-time high and consumer confidence is at an all-time low. Those aren’t necessarily huge problems. Yes, gas sells for $3.60 a gallon, but when you think about it, a gallon of gas is all a normal person can drink in one day. Who can’t afford $3.60 a day? And consumer confidence is probably just low because right after you buy an iPod, Apple always releases a new, better version. That’ll shake anyone’s confidence. Plus, people are losing their jobs and houses, which is harder to write jokes about.
Luckily, the end is in sight. The federal government is mailing $600 tax rebate checks to everyone in America. $600 buys nearly 200 gallons of gas, enough to get the average SUV to the gas station and back. Of course, being a New Yorker who doesn’t drive, I’m using my rebate to buy an HDTV. Thanks, recession!
Of course some say we’re merely putting a Band-Aid on the problem. That’s unfair. It’s actually more like having your mother kiss your boo-boo so the hurt goes away — only effective because of the innocent psychology of children. This same child psychology inspired the administration’s new philosophy: “Thinking Small.” A “pebble-in-a-pond” theory, it posits that if you throw a small solution into a big problem the ripples will eventually spread out far enough to solve it. They’re following in the beloved American tradition of doing as little as possible.
The presidential candidates have similar economic plans. McCain and Clinton have demanded a summerlong repeal of the gas tax. Wait, 18 cents off every gallon of gas? For the whole summer?! You’ll save dozens! Open a savings account with thanks to compound interest in only a few millennia later it’ll have grown to trillions. Then you can finally retire.
Will Thinking Small work? Really, it doesn’t have to. If you change enough small things, nobody notices you’re not changing the actual causes of trouble. Then, the theory says, everyone will forget the problem exists. It’s the same strategy we’ve implemented against global warming, changing light bulbs and unplugging toasters instead of not using oil. And it’s working. Many have already forgotten global warming is happening. Then if we can forget we’re in a recession, and also forget we’re at war, everything will finally be great.
Elliott Kalan is a producer for ‘The Daily Show with John Stewart.”
