America: United by our divisions
After this week’s primary results, America breathed a sigh of relief. Despite all previous evidence to the contrary, it now seems likely we will live long enough to see the end of the Democratic campaign. It’s not the party’s fault the race has gone on for so long. Our country is just too big. Just when I think the candidates have visited every state in the union, another five or 12 pop up that nobody’s talked about before. Travel-time alone has added months to the political process. It’s enough to convince me we should split this country up into some more manageable pieces. The south tried it in 1860, and like idiots we stopped them. Now we’re paying the price.
It isn’t all bad, though. There’s an educational aspect to this. Growing up, I assumed America was made of isolated coastal fortress cities, with everything between Connecticut and California an empty wasteland populated by cowboys and sand-pirates. But apparently there are states out there! And thanks to the various primaries, caucuses and thunderdomes, I’m learning all about them! Every state has showcased its own local characteristics and problems. In Iowa, it was biofuel subsidies; in Pennsylvania, lost jobs; and in Texas, illegal immigration and chupacabras. It’s like a guided tour of the nation’s anxieties!
Mostly, those anxieties are really hatred for the rest of the country. Like a married couple in an Edward Albee play, America is held together not by love, but fear. You’d think revealing this would only make it harder for Americans, normal or sand-pirate, to get along. But I believe the opposite is happening. By revealing our true characters, the race has definitively proven that the citizens of this oft-fractious land do share a set of core values: mutual jealousy and distrust.
I can testify to this priceless cultural heritage. Because what I ultimately learned after taking a long look at my fellow citizens and their beliefs is that I don’t care that much about my fellow citizens and their beliefs. The differences between us aren’t exotic or intriguing, they’re boring and stupid. Or to put it another way, nowhere-lands like North Carolina and Indiana had their chance at the limelight, and they blew it. They aren’t worth my time, and if I ignored them forever it wouldn’t change my life in any way. But I never would have known that without the campaign! Thanks, politics!
Elliott Kalan is a producer for “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”
