The forgotten purpose of a wedding
After Jenna Bush tied the knot last weekend at the family ranch in Crawford, Texas, our big daddy decider and hers told reporters: “Our little girl Jenna married a really good guy, Henry Hager. The wedding was spectacular, all we could have hoped for.” His comment, besides misogynist (she’s a “little girl” while her new husband gets to be a bona fide guy) as usual, also points to a larger national conflation of weddings with marriages. The former is a ceremony, a fleeting moment where the latter, a life-long promise and a government-sanctioned institution, is supposed to be represented. It’s not the wedding itself that is supposed to be “spectacular;” it is the relationship that is supposed to wow people.
We seem to have lost sight of that in this time of ostentatious weddings, often serving as space fillers for deep existential issues. Too often a woman in her 20s — burned out on the cubicle life — turns her attention to a thousand wedding plans to make her life feel important. While young men may not be known for their eagerness to jump into weddings, they too tend to see the proposal as a way out of “schmuck land.” A moment earlier they were irresponsible, alcoholic and philandering, but the moment they hit that one knee, they’re suddenly redeemed.
The wedding suddenly takes on gargantuan meaning and somehow, the marriage fades into the background. Flowers, DJ, and cake have the same weight on the to-do list as the ceremony. More thought is put into the bridesmaids’ matching nail polish than the words chosen to symbolize the most important commitment of one’s life. An officiant is chosen willy-nilly; there just isn’t time for spiritual considerations when hair must be cryogenically frozen into place and the best man must be sobered up.
I’m not arguing for a religious wedding. I’m simply trying to urge all the brides- and grooms-to-be — checking their lists, arguing with mother-in-laws, praying for sun — to think about marriage amidst all the wedding nonsense this spring season.
Bell Hooks once wrote, “The moment we chose to love, we move towards freedom.” In what ways does your relationship reflect this movement? What kind of pair do you want to be in the world? What do you need from your community in order to fulfill your potential as a couple? These questions, not the outrageously expensive aisle flowers, are the real precursors to “I do.”
Read more about Courtney E. Martin and her work on 
www.courtneyemartin.com.
