‘Rosemary’s Baby,’ the second coming

GOSSIP. The new Us Weekly cover story on Heidi Montag (you know, the skeleton from “The Hills” who pretends to actually be a human) is one of the funnier articles the rag has ever run. The cover pic features Montag wearing a veil and holding a bouquet (but, oddly, wearing black pants), saying that she is prepared to wed her evil, evil boyfriend Spencer Pratt (those are our “evils,” not hers). “I’m ready to marry Spencer. He’s my soulmate,” she tells the mag. Apparently, in order to get Spencer to agree to this, Ms. Montag sought divine intervention. “Heidi read me biblical passages like ‘Honor thy wife,’” claims Pratt.

Oh my. There are just so many jokes to be made about this that we don’t know where to begin. So instead, we’ll ask one very serious question: Do you think Heidi reads the Bible to see if there are any clues in there on how, if you sleep with the devil, to make sure you don’t give birth to the spawn of Satan? She might need to start reading a bit harder.

Cook on fire
David Cook has been our American Idol for less than a week, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t already plotting to rule the world (or at least the airwaves) for the foreseeable future. Cook’s coronation song, “The Time of My Life,” which he sang during the “AI” finale, has been downloaded more than  236,000 times and will be No. 1 on next week’s Billboard Hot Digital Tracks chart. Only a powerhouse such as “American Idol” could make a song that bad reach the top of the charts.