They said it wouldn’t last

GOSSIP. The secret to a long-lasting marriage? Don’t be Mariah Carey. At least that’s what a “close” friend of the singer is saying. The formerly insane chart-topper married “Roll Bounce” star and Nobel laureate Nick Cannon back in April. So how’s it been going?

Says the confidante: “I give the marriage six months, tops. I can’t see it lasting.” By those calculations, we only have three months left to come up with a cute name for the couple. Nickiah? Cannonrey? We’ll think of something. In the meantime, juicy details:

“Nick does whatever Mariah wants him to — he’s like her puppy,” the backstabber told Life & Style. “Mariah’s assistants and friends call him ‘Whipped Nick’ behind his back.” That’s harsh, friend. If Mariah and Nick are at a loss as to which BFF is saying all this, it’s probably the one that got them Match.com profiles as a wedding present.

4 minutes to save your marriage
Madonna should probably give Mariah a call and tell her to get used to it: Britain’s the Sun quotes a “friend” of Detroit’s favorite daughter as saying that she and husband Guy Ritchie “live like brother and sister rather than husband and wife” and they’re openly discussing divorce.
Did we miss something, or did everyone decide to change the definition of “friend” last week?

Possible typo
So, Heidi Montag has a new single, “Fashion.” (Thankfully, it’s not a David Bowie cover.) Surprised to hear that Montag actually does, well, anything, Us Weekly tracked down the man behind the song to get some answers. Producer RedOne told the mag that the track “is all about fashion and all about her — shopping, clothes, her whole aura.” Which only confirms what we’ve always believed: Heidi Montag is a robot killing machine designed for one purpose: shopping.

When asked about Heidi’s career prospects, Mr. One said, “She can do anything and make it sound credible. She’s a born star.” Us should probably have their copy editors go over that transcript again. We think that’s supposed to be a ‘P,’ not a ‘B.’