Honor in women giving up dreams?

Q: Debra: You preach ambition for women. Aren’t you forgetting something? What about life balance? Being a mother?
– 32, with better values than “just career”
 
A: Say your ambition is to be a great wife, mother, friend or fair-minded co-worker. That doesn’t bother you, does it? No, because that’s a socially sanctioned ambition. You’ll likely regard the following women as having chosen “honorable ambition.”

Amy, 39, was a high-profile ob-gyn. Her work was challenging, fulfilling, plus she earned seven figures. Her oldest child is severely autistic. Amy decided to scale down her practice to work only 10 percent of the time so that she could help start a charter school for autistic students. She lost most of her patients. Her surgeon husband insisted on becoming sole breadwinner.

Nan, 29, was a single, midlevel marketing director in a hip company. She prided herself on “not doing politics.”

Everyone at work liked her. She regarded strategizing, paying attention to shifting power hierarchies and the competitive plays made by her peers as “distasteful.” She figured that her Ivy League degree, hard work and team loyalty would get her the recognition she deserved without dirtying her hands.

“Rusti,” 25, won a place in Stanford’s MBA program plus a tuition free ride. Her fiancé, a young lawyer who was clearly her “soul mate,” was offered a position at a leading New York law firm and wanted Rusti to move with him rather than manage a long-distance relationship. Rusti gave up her Stanford spot, planning instead to try for acceptance into a top-tier New York B-school. She reasoned, “He’ll line up his dream first, then it will be my turn next fall.”

Many would say these women made noble sacrifices, arguing further that they freely chose their own paths. But we rarely consider what “honorable ambition” costs us. What if it hurts you in ways you haven’t considered? In ways no one encouraged you to think about beforehand? Is it then truly an informed choice? What if it doesn’t turn out the way you planned and your turn never comes? Then what? Tune in next week for part two of these women’s stories.

Dr. Debra Condren is a coach, speaker and author of  “Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word” (Broadway). E-mail your burning questions to   .