Fourth of July: Day of regret

This weekend sees the Fourth of July, a day set aside for Americans to celebrate our nation’s founders, in perhaps the silliest way possible. A revolution in political philosophy is recognized with fireworks, hot dogs and marching band music. American entertainment, the Fourth of July teaches us, peaked in 1889. Of course, among all this jubilation, there is also a sense of sadness. As we remember the brave men who signed the Declaration of Independence, assuring that all citizens henceforth would retain their natural rights, we’re reminded that those revolutionaries sure did make a mess of things.

To put it bluntly, by celebrating the revolution, we’re celebrating bad behavior. The so-called patriots advocated ideas like personal liberty and disobedience to government that we now realize are completely un-American. Those may have been great principles back when the U.S. only had, like, 150 people, but in a nation of 300 million, fully 85 percent of them possible terrorists, we need a different set of rules. Think about how crazy this country would be if we still did things the revolutionary way. Nobody listening to our phone calls, anti-war protestors flying cross-country unimpeded, poor people voting. That’s a recipe for all kinds of trouble.

Luckily, we have a president who isn’t so hung up on individual liberty. The patriots could have used a guy like him to put on the brakes, make them take a deep breath and explain how lucky they were to have an English king taking care of them. Then maybe they wouldn’t have made so much noise in the middle of the night and wasted all that tea. As part of a mighty empire, our opinions kept safely inside our heads, America could have achieved greatness. Instead, we’re just kind of “OK.” Not bad, but nothing special.

Unfortunately, just as the president starts making greatness possible, here comes an election to knock him off his throne. We’ve got the perfect leader, let’s hold onto him! “No can do,” say the founding fathers, screwing things up again. Instead, we need to elect a candidate willing to continue the secrecy, warfare and distrust currently making up for the mistakes of 1776. Someday, scientists will invent a time machine so we can go back and fix history. Until then, we’ll have to do the hard work of erasing our rights here in the present. I think we’re up to the job.

Elliott Kalan is a producer for “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”