Published 2008-07-03 03:29
Sure the economy is in the tanker, your home is now worth $50,000 less than you bought it for, and even though you are lucky enough to have a job to take a vacation from, you still can’t afford to drive anywhere that’s nice. But that doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t feel lucky to be an American. Don’t believe us? Here are 25 reasons why.
1 American flag bikinis. When’s the last time you saw a red, white and blue burqa?
2 Unlike Amy Winehouse, our self-destructive pop stars (Britney and Lindsay) are still at least kind of hot.
3 Alaska. What other country has been badass enough to claim a far away plot of land from the Russians just because they wanted to?
4 Sure, next to the Euro, the dollar is weak, but we have a dude on our $100 bill who: 1) Wasn’t even a President and 2) Is rumored to have fathered over 30 illegitimate children. Seriously, Ben Franklin was a major pimp.
5 Two different kinds of barbecue, one country.
6 No matter how we think of ourselves, other countries still think all Americans are cowboys. And that’s awesome.
7 Handicapped? Criminal? Porn star? Doesn’t matter. We’ll not only embrace you, we’ll give you a reality TV show.
8 The name “United States of America” includes two to three more words than the names of most other countries. We’re just that good.
9 We doubt North Korea gets cable.
10 People can actually make careers out of being guidance counselors, therapists, personal trainers, and other jobs that help people do things they should really be able to figure out for themselves.
11 George Washington Carver. For the simple fact that he really loved peanuts, and this country let him do what he wanted with those peanuts.
12 The song “Renegade” by Jay-Z and Eminem. You think the French could have pulled off that feat of musical ingenuity?
13 We’re so fat that even Eskimos point and laugh at us.
14 We’re at least making the Eskimos laugh. Which is good, because they don’t have much to smile about these days, with their homes melting and all.
15 George Carlin dies and we practically give him a state funeral — as we should.
16 Young people are voting in unprecedented numbers despite the absence of an obnoxious Puff Daddy campaign to motivate them.
17 That Al Gore “We Can Solve It” PSA with Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson: Terrifying, but somehow cute.
18 Our swimmers are faster than your swimmers.
19 When gross Italian criminals try to date our movie stars, we lay the smack down on them (don’t try that again, Anne Hathaway).
20 ”Iron Man,” for making the military-industrial complex fun again.
21 People are starting to not give a sh-t about Paris Hilton anymore.
22 The Lincoln memorial. Seriously, have you seen that thing?
23 Our favorite weed dealer, Mary Louise Parker, keeps getting hotter. Don’t ask how. Just enjoy. Britain’s favorite weedhead, Amy Winehouse, meanwhile, just gets more tragic looking by the day.
24 The “Arrested Development” movie. Only in America could a TV show no one watched become a motion picture everyone will see.
25 Goat herder’s son vs. admiral’s son. You decide.
