Sarah Palin: an A+ on being untested

John McCain’s choice of Gov. Sarah Palin as his vice president has taken everyone by surprise, even John McCain. Coming from the unexplored land of Al-as-Ka, on most maps a blank spot labeled “Beware of Snowbeasts,” little is known about the enigmatic Palin. It’s clear she’s a woman and she also wears glasses, meaning she’s either very smart or wants to look that way. She’s also the kind of candidate Republicans love — possessing extreme conservative views but little record of acting on them, making her palatable to independents and the easily fooled. Conflicting stories abound as to how McCain met her, ranging from speed-dating to Craigslist, but nobody’s explained why she got the job. What’s the deal?

 Many would say choosing Palin is merely a cynical ploy to capture disgruntled Clinton voters who’ll support anyone capable of bearing live young, but that isn’t something John McCain would do. It’s something a savvy political operator would do, and McCain is certainly not that. Possibly, he felt his ultra-macho campaign, based around bombing and thumbs ups, needed a feminine touch. After all, a hint of delicacy can make even the roughest campaigns livable. To McCain, Palin is the political equivalent of a roommate who washes the dishes and picks up her clothes.

Or perhaps McCain is shopping around a screenplay called “President Mom” in an attempt to cash in on the hype surrounding Kevin Costner’s smash hit film “Swing Vote.” What better way to generate interest in the story of a fictional female president’s ascension than to make such an event inevitable? Then it sells itself, especially since the climactic scene in which President Mom delivers a rousing inaugural address while simultaneously breastfeeding is a guaranteed tearjerker.
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 McCain also understands this election is about inexperience. America doesn’t want another Bush administration, and the only way to insure that is to elect people so inexperienced they don’t know enough about the government to corrupt it. Barack Obama’s set the experience bar pretty low, and to win, McCain needs to fail to clear it. Hence Sarah Palin, whose main qualification is she’s not a terrible mother. I can’t imagine a candidate less ready for national power — or more perfectly what Americans are looking for. By choosing Palin, McCain has guaranteed his victory in November. And also another four years of slapdash, incompetent leadership. But really at this point anything else would feel weird.

Elliott Kalan is a producer for “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”