Kalan: America, just say ‘Yes!’

The presidential election is almost here and I’m dreading it. After two years of nonstop campaigning, I can’t live without the race. Sure, when the campaign started I kept my distance. I’d seen what politics could do to someone who wasn’t careful. I knew I’d be better off staying clean. But my friends peer pressured me into watching a few primary debates for recreational purposes. Suddenly, I was hooked. The news was my enabler, supplying me with endless stump speeches, polls and baseless rumors until I couldn’t kick the election habit. And I’m not the only one. If we drop this campaign cold-turkey, millions of Americans will go into total political withdrawal.

That’s not all. As much as we hate to admit it, the Iraq War can’t go on forever. Sure, the president’s done a great job of insuring no misguided interloper can shut the fight down, but someday we’ll run out soldiers and the war will end. The subsequent war withdrawal will be even worse than the campaign withdrawal. After all, we know there’ll be another election in four years, but how do we know when the next war will be?

 And what about our addiction to devastating government corruption? The Bush administration got us hooked with the 2000 vote count allegations, then kept upping the dosage through the EPA silencing scandals, the Justice Department firing scandals, the Intelligence manipulation scandals. It’s all a haze of broken guidelines and shattered principles, but what a rush! Now we need that daily jolt of shock at the depths to which our elected officials are willing to stoop for minimal partisan gain. Will we be able to count on that much longer?

There’s only one way to get America its fix: Elect John McCain. If his campaign’s any indication, his administration will provide the nonstop politicking we’re chemically dependent on. And his Iraq policy promises the steady stream of car bombs and casualty numbers we need. Plus, if his VP’s record is any indication, their staff will be full of otherwise unemployable cronies. Maybe after four to eight more years of this lifestyle we’ll be ready to go into national rehab. Until then, John McCain is the only dealer who’s got what we’re jonesing for.

Elliott Kalan is a writer for “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”